Polyphagous Shot Hole Borer
by Extra Large Cows
Summary: A weird school AU oneshot involving Ptah. Sekhmet picks a fight with the wrong person. Rated T for Sekhmet's language.


"Oh gods, did you see that inconsiderate bastard about five rows in front of us?" Sekhmet said through clenched teeth.

"No," Thoth answered, "I was listening to Dr Ra. His lecture today on the polyphagous shot hole borer - fascinating." Head in notebook, he somehow weaved through the crowds streaming out of the lecture hall. "I assume you weren't paying attention, Sekhmet."

"I was distracted!" Sekhmet scowled. "Not everyone has laser beam focus like you do, Thoth. Plus, he was watching cat videos on his laptop! In full screen! I swear, all thirteen rows behind him could see what the hell he was doing! Or not doing."

Osiris, on Thoth's other side, exchanged grins with him, sharing an inside joke. As Sekhmet's oldest friends, they knew her bellicose personality hid an…obsession with cat videos. Oblivious to all else, she would bore holes into the screen with her eyes as she shoveled mint chocolate chip ice cream into her mouth. And, par for the course, she would never admit it.

"Freakin' piece of work, that's him right there. Hey! You there! Yes, you!" Osiris' grin fell when he saw her march toward an olive-skinned fellow with a goatee.

"Oh, no, not this again." Osiris clapped a hand to his forehead. He glanced at Thoth, who was still reviewing his notes. "Why are we still standing here?"

Thoth raised a brow, as if to ask _Are you going to try to stop that force of nature?_ and _Do you not remember what happened last time?_ Osiris groaned as they watched the scene unfold before them.

Sekhmet clapped Goatee's shoulder with more force than strictly necessary and spun him around. "Hey! What you did in Ra's lecture was fucking rude, you punk! What do you have to say for yourself?"

With a flick of his wrist, Goatee sent his yo-yo down and up again. He gave a cursory glance at her wild hair and red dress. "Sekhmet the Bloodthirsty, right? Weren't you the one whom the frat boys tricked into drinking Maotai with red food coloring by claiming that it was pig's blood?" She could hear boredom in his voice and read apathy in his expression. He sent the yo-yo spinning before looping the string around his fingers.

Thoth looked up. "I recognize that voice." He frowned, tapping his pen on his chin. "I think we should stop her before she gets hurt."

"Sekhmet? Get hurt?" Osiris snorted. "Thoth - "

Thoth shot Osiris a glare over his glasses. "Yes, I know she can protect herself, but he's different."

"Why, you - !" Sekhmet sent her fist flying. Osiris' eyes widened as he ran to stop her, but he was too slow.

Her punch never connected. Goatee had shifted to his right, leaving Sekhmet to balance on one leg. Taking advantage of her surprise, he stuck a foot before her. She tripped and fell.

Osiris ran to them. As Sekhmet got up, he stood between her and Goatee, ensuring that she wouldn't try picking another fight. Taking in Goatee's baggy shorts and the yellow t-shirt that hung off his skinny frame, Osiris said, "Didn't know such a scrawny guy could take the fight right outta ya, Sekhmet."

"Shut up, Osiris." Sekhmet examined the scrapes on her palms. She spat into them and rubbed the spit in. Gods, that stung like a bitch.

"Thoth." Goatee greeted the approaching man with a nod. He unhooked his fingers from his yo-yo and sent it flying back to his hand.

"Ptah."

"Wait, you know each other?" Sekhmet glanced between the two. Ptah's tan. Thoth's pallor. Ptah's outfit, wrinkled and spotted with stains. Thoth's lavender dress shirt and slacks, his purple tie in a perfect Windsor knot. Ptah's ratty sneakers. Thoth's polished shoes.

"Of course." The corner of Ptah's mouth twitched. "He lent me his texts on circuitry, and I taught him to boil water. It was only fair."

"You haven't returned them." Thoth pushed his glasses up his nose.

"Says the guy who forgot air resistance when calculating terminal velocity." Ptah tapped his forehead. "I don't know what you do with that knowledge in your head. You should use it, Thoth." He turned to the others. "Who wants to grab lunch with me? I'm going to hang in the lounge to catch up on _Game of Thrones_."

Sekhmet perked up. "You watch _Game of Thrones_?" Animosity temporarily forgotten, she followed Ptah. "How far are you?"

"Not very. Still trudging through season one. But I know spoilers because Internet." He sent the yo-yo around the world before walking the dog. "I'm still waiting for the dragons." A corner of his lip curved upwards.

"Yes, dragons! I think Khaleesi is pretty awesome, like, I love the show 'cause all the women are kick butt, like Cersei." Sekhmet gushed as they walked away. Ptah continued working through his yo-yo, tossing it in the air and catching it in complicated twists. But anyone could tell that he was listening to her, ranting about George R. R. Martin's penchant for killing off everyone's favorite characters, because his eyes sparkled with mirth.

Osiris adjusted the straps of his backpack as he and Thoth followed. "They're weird, aren't they?" he said to Thoth.

Thoth didn't disagree.

* * *

Originally posted on my Tumblr, nuttysaladtree. Thanks to hellnonocturnal for the prompt and 221bdisneystreet for supporting my fics and suggesting edits to this one's ending. And readers like you. Thank you!


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